Would You Like Another Slice of Evil?
by AprilLittle
Summary: Gambling. Disappointment. Traitorousness. Can the bonds of the Little family hold strong against the malevolent inclinations of the Mary Sues?
1. Chapter 1

"Run, damnit, _run_!"

Lils and Lucy collapse onto the sofa in silent giggles as April stomps over the pandaskin rug in front of the television, leaning unnecessarily close to the screen with her giant sparkling silver lobster headwear.

"Use your horn! You've got an extra foot on all the others! Poke them in the ass! _Win_!"

"Don't you think that would make the other horses run _faster_?" Lils mutters under her breath to Lucy, who quickly places a finger to her own lips, silently telling Lils just to enjoy the spectacle.

"No! _NoNoNo_!" April collapses to her knees, grasping the panda fur in her fists, the antennae on her hat quivering along with rest of her body as she mourns her loss.

Lils addresses no one in particular, "Tell me again why Cooper wore full armor to ride jockey?"

April tears off the lobster hat and sits back on her heels, sticking her tongue out at Lils before returning to the recap on the screen. "I wanted him to stay true to himself," she admits sullenly. "In retrospect, I see that it was probably not the best opportunity to support individuality."

Hiding a grin, Lucy removes herself from the sofa and joins April on the floor, wrapping an arm around her shoulders in comfort, "It's not all about winning, you know."

Still seated on the couch, Lils lets out a huff of indignation.

"Yeah, yeah. . ." April begrudgingly agrees. "Cooper and the unicorn tried their best."

"Exactly," Lucy says. Her eye twitches as she stares at the growing pile of glitter collecting on the rug from April scratching nervously at her hat. She removes the lobster from April's possession and quickly flings it out the open window, not satisfied until she hears the crunch of the crocs' jaws as they discover their treat.

Lils regains Aproma's attention by loudly clearing her throat. "You're forgetting one thing though. . .I WON! April now owes me a story." She nods in smug satisfaction.

"What would you like?" April asks, regret from agreeing to the initial wager piling up all around her, like panda carcasses after their last epic battle with The Angel.

"Well, what kinds of characters are in your repertoire?" Lils asks.

April scrunches up her face, thinking much too hard, "None."

Lils stares at her, perplexed, "I'll consider it for awhile and get back to you, okay?"

Defeatedly rising to her feet and shaking glitter from her clothing, April reaches into her front pocket and pulls out a keychain with a lucky rabbit's foot on the end, dropping it to the floor, where it's hideously dyed pink fur clashes with the black and white rug beneath. A few steps closer to the door, there's a tiny plink as her lucky penny bounces off the floor and rolls along a natural crack in the stone, halted only when it collides with the wall. As she finally reaches the doorway leading towards the kitchen, there's a resounding clang as the arch of a horseshoe just misses her toes, instead taking a small chip out of the floor.

Lils looks to Lucy for reassurance, but only finds a reflection of her own worry, "She agreed to the terms. . ."

Lucy focuses on the doorway that April just disappeared through. "I know. Just give her some time, she'll come around."

* * *

><p>"I need a snack," April mutters to herself as she rambles down the hall. Her mood brightens some as she enters the kitchen, spotting Dillon curled up with the newest members of the special baking team, the dragon and the ragdoll kitten. Smiling a little now, she crosses the room to locate a bowl and spoon, then crosses again to retrieve a box of Honey Nut Cheerios from the pantry. Pouring the Cheerios and milk together, she hears some clatter outside. "Cooper?" But instead of Cooper clanging into the kitchen, Johanna jumps into the doorway.<p>

"Long live the Cheerios!" Beelining for the door opposite, she sprints past April, smacking the bowl of cereal with her right hand, successfully liberating the doughnut seeds. . .to be crushed underfoot and gobbled up by the fluffier two thirds of the kitchen staff, who have been rousted from their siesta by all of the ruckus.

April watches the fleeting back of Johanna disappear into the afternoon shadows of the Castle's interior. "She's in the living room!" Frowning slightly at the puddle of breakfast delights on the floor, April lets out a sigh and heads for the freezer, "Ice cream sounds better anyway." As she's standing in front of the open door, the slapping of two pairs of shoes on the floor announces that Johanna has successfully located Lils. "Hey, Lils, any idea where all the ice cream disappeared to?"

"Huh? Oh. . .yeah! Uh, Johanna and I were using the cannon to shoot pints at Yew earlier!"

"You. . .fired all of my Butter Pecan at Yew?"

"Erm, sorry? But don't worry, Zoey's cleaning him up!"

"Oh. Well, if Zoey's- hey, hold up!" April scratches her head, trying to get events straight. "Zoey? As in, The Angel's evil cohort?"

Johanna chirps up, "Hey, I used to Rule the World with Angel, too!"

April sniggers, "Yeah, but that was before she acquired an unquenchable thirst for baby koala blood, which rumor has it, Zoey keeps her stocked with through the Australian Black Market." She crouchwalks over to the window and slowly raises her head above the ledge to peer out towards Yew. Alternately squinting then rubbing her eyes, she finally whispers back to Lils and Johanna, "I don't have my glasses on, but. . .does it look to you guys like Yew is enjoying himself?" They nod their heads up and down in unison. "Hmph. Remind me to talk to that tree fort about family dedication." Still searching for a snack, April walks over to the refrigerator and opens the door to find- "Cheesecake! Ohmygosh, I love my wife!" She scoops up the lemon-scented dessert and starts waltzing it over to the countertop for immediate consumption.

"Um, April," Lils hesitantly begins, "Lucy was very adamant earlier that that was not to be touched until after dinner."

"Come now, surely she won't miss just a tiny sliver!" April says as she noisily searches through all of the nearby drawers for a knife.

"Mmm, I was actually here when she issued the warning," Johanna agrees. "Something about not waking the dragon. . ."

They all look towards the scaly, leather-winged creature curled upon the stone floor. April looks longingly at the cheesecake. Lils and Johanna look pittingly at April. The cheesecake is returned unscathed to the refrigerator.

* * *

><p>Unable to stop laughing out loud, Yew finally resorts to using a branch to halt Zoey's thorough and very ticklish scrubbing. "I am certain that I am quite clean by now, wouldn't you say?"<p>

"Are Yew?"

"Oh, very good," Yew responds dryly. "I've surely never heard that one before."

Zoey ignores his sarcasm, "Do you ever wish you were a real boy?"

"Like fucking Pinocchio? No."

Zoey frowns and extends the handle of the soapy brush to clean out Yew's froody mouth. "I'm going to Rule the World, you know. . .will you be my fortress?" Since there's a torrent of water and foam preventing him from replying snarkily, Zoey continues on as if he is in full support of housing a lovely and charismatic pandaglomping maniac within his branches and weathered boards, "Aw, I knew Yew loved me!"

* * *

><p><em>Never gonna give you up,<em>

_Never gonna let you down,_

_Never gonna run around and desert you-_

Head plucks the strings of his lute with a flourish, kicks his leg out to the front and uses the momentum to spin himself around, ending up on one bended knee to continue the chorus. . .

_Never gonna make you cry,_

_Never gonna say goodbye,_

_Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you!_

An anchovy muffin comes hurtling from the window directly above his performance area, and he drops his instrument to catch it, smiling wide as he inhales the aroma, "My favorite!"

April steps off the colored squares she was walking along on her way to Gold's lab and begins to applaude, startling both Head and the muffin-flinger in the window- he jumps a foot in the air and turns red, while the lady's arm overthrows the chocolate chip muffin that she was winding up with, sending it directly into April's outstretched hand. "Mmm, _my_ favorite!" She waves towards Muffin's window and curtsies to Head with a wink, "I'll let you two get back to your Rick Rolling now."

* * *

><p>A knock at the exterior entrance to his laboratory causes Gold to spin around in his workchair and knock over a beaker of churning bright green liquid as he reaches for the lever that will drop the false wall into place. . .but before he can complete the necessary motion, April's silhouette is illuminated in the open doorway and he lets out a sigh of relief, "I'd really prefer if you used the entrance from the interior of the Castle. If anyone else finds out that I'm the next Dr. Frankenstein instead of a mild-mannered physics teacher. . ."<p>

"Don't worry so much, Gold! I took precautions on my way here; I was careful to avoid any cracks in the sidewalk so as not to break Paige's back, I skipped backwards for a bit to ensure no one was following me, I flung a chocolate chip muffin to the-"

"-where'd you get a chocolate chip muffin? I thought we only ate rainbow cupcakes around here?"

"Oh, you know. . ." April vaguely points in a northernly direction before giving up and waving the comment off, "it's unimportant really. How is our army of zombie pandas coming along?"

"Very well, actually! Let me show you the progress," he leaps up from his chair, unknowingly dragging the sleeve of his lab jacket through the green puddle on the workbench and stepping in a bit that has collected on the floor. "With these undead pandas under our command, we will be invincible!"

Poking one of the furry beasts in the arm, April jumps back in surprise when it's eyes pop open and a low growl is emitted. "Wow. We're not taking this war too far, are we? These buggers seem more dangerous than I expected. . ."

"No, not at all! Our people need to feel safe, and ridding FanFiction of evil, tyrannical Mary Sues needs to happen. Who else would have enough bravery to do so? It must be the mighty Littles; remember our words! 'Where Angels fear to tread!' Now we're going to make her fearful to tread anywhere," Gold states proudly as he throws a sheet over the green-tinged, growling panda's head.

Hesitantly, April concurs, "Aight, carry on. But be careful."

Gold has just settled back into his chair after April leaves, when he's startled once more by a noise at the exterior door. Cautiously undoing the latch, he peers out to find no one in sight. "Hmm," he mutters to himself. As he's about to close the door, he happens to look down and spot a licorice bat with a fruit roll-up tied around its leg. "Oh," Gold exclaims, "you have excellent timing, little bat! What instructions does Angel have for me today?"

* * *

><p>April finds Lucy tucked away in her bedroom, a tattered spiral notebook spread out before her and black ink smudges staining her right hand as she swiftly outlines one of several birthday stories that she has been meaning to begin composing.<p>

"You're good now?" Lucy asks, without looking away from her work.

"Good enough," April responds as she collapses onto the side of the bed, creating a jagged line of ink across Lucy's notebook page. Restlessly, she grabs from a multitude of sickeningly pink pillows adorning the bed, fluffs one beneath her head and crosses her feet near Lucy's elbow. "Have you noticed that our family is slowly becoming infiltrated by Angel's former and current partners in crime?"

Lucy pushes April's penguin-sock clad feet off the doona. "If you're talking about Johanna, I hardly think we have anything to worry about. . ."

Spinning herself around and flipping onto her stomach, mimicking Lucy's position, April supports her head with one hand and uses the other to trace the errant penmark in the notebook questioningly. "I was actually more concerned about Zoey living in Yew."

Lucy is finally distracted enough to make eye contact, "Zoey in Yew? Isn't that a tad backwards?"

"Different strokes for different folks," April shrugs. "But we can't very well have Yew becoming the Trojan Horse that brings us down. . .something's brewing. Something big."

The whinnying of a horse in the courtyard and the crashing of a brave knight's helm into the pot rack above the kitchen island announces Cooper's arrival home from his day at the horsetrack. A hardy yell of _HUZZAH!_ reverberates through the entire Castle, drawing footsteps from every corner, Cooper's family eager to greet him and gaze upon his purple participatory ribbon.

* * *

><p>Refilling Irma's goblet with cranberry juice, Angel gives a quick swat at Rachel to get off the table, before returning to her seat, "I can't believe people really think I drink baby koala blood!" She swirls the contents of her own glass, gazing into the crimson liquid, frowning slightly. "Where'd that rumor start anyway?"<p>

"Your evil fiancee," Irma states.

"She left me for a tree fort; the engagement is null and void," Angel responds grumpily.

"But you still allow her to control the Pandas and use the Pandaglomping gun?"

"Well, yeah. . ."

"So you're still partners in world domination?"

"Kind of. . ."

"Kind of?" Irma asks curiously.

Angel hesitantly reveals, "Well, lately I'm getting the sense that she'd rather destroy the world then rule it. . .and I feel a bit helpless."

"Don't worry, my little Entwi; Irmagonna take care of this!"

* * *

><p>Knuckles rap sharply on the shoulder of Cooper's armored suit and open palms slap into the back of his helm - all intended to be congratulatory, but the day has been long and his family's love is feeling more like punishment to his aching head and body. When Head appears with his lute and begins to strum the opening bars to a song detailing the race, Cooper flips up his visor, tears the helmet from his own head and slams it onto Head's. "It looks good on you, brother," he announces whilst bringing a closed fist down on the brim, "And the acoustics are <em>fantastic<em>!" With a satisfied grin, he then sneaks - as quietly as metal armor will allow - behind Lils, clasping his gloved hands in front of her eyes, "Guess who, Chippylils?"

Setting her hands on her hips, Lils cocks her head slightly to the right. "Oh, gosh," she ponders aloud, biting her lip in feigned consternation, "could it be Muffin?"

"Try again, ChipsAhoy!" Cooper smiles wide at Johanna, whose conversation with Lils has been interrupted by his little game. She arches her brows and smiles back, shaking her head slightly, but successfully stopping her eyes from rolling.

"Ray?"

"Nope."

"Hazazazazazazazazazel?"

"No!"

"Emu?"

Exasperated, Cooper steps around to reveal himself, "Really? A six foot tall flightless bird?" He flaps his tired arms comically, switching his weight from foot to foot in a herky-jerky attempt to mimic a creature he has never seen before in his life.

"Oh, Coop, I was just pulling your leg!" Lils laughs and throws one arm around Cooper's shoulder and the other around Johanna's, "Let's go claim spots near the dessert, shall we?"

* * *

><p>Later that night, Gold tiptoes into the kitchen, carefully stepping over the tails of each pet sprawled on the floor, their varied snores indicating them to be thoroughly tuckered out from another busy day of feeding the ever-growing Little family. "I can't believe I napped through supper! Again! These zombie pandas are going to be the death of me! And Angel's sending a bat every other day, demanding another horcrux be made or she'll pokestab me into a pit of Irma's cats. . ." Gold mutters to himself as he very quietly grips the handle on the refrigerator and opens it ever so slowly, careful not to let the light shine out more then necessary. He grabs a beer from the shelf on the door and searches the rest of the brightly lit interior for something tasty to silence the rumbling of his stomach. "Fruit. Vegetable. Fruit. Vegetable. Vegetable," he grumbles. "Why can't there ever be something tasty, like a cheesecake?" The as yet unopened bottle of beer slips from his hand and smashes into dark brown shards on the stone floor. "Oh, no!" He throws the door all of the way open, bathing the pets in light as some wearily glance in his direction and others groggily cover their eyes with their paws. "Someone ate Angel's horcrux!"<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

_. . .her lips curve upward into a mischievous grin as she gathers the flowing hemline of her skirt and draws it unhurriedly up the length of her thighs, perching atop the Victor's lap and dipping her blonde curls to capture an earlobe between her impeccably cared for Merchant's teeth. The warm breath from a whispered promise trails across Katniss' neck, causing her mascara-laden eyelids to flutter shut and an involuntarily gasp to emit itself from her enticingly parted lips as the soft kisses continue down. . ._

"Continue down to where?"

April awakens with a start, imprints of the round typewriter keys fully formed across her forehead. "Huh? What?" She glances over her shoulder to find Lucy hovering above her, craning her neck to read more of the paper still cradled in the machine. "The, uh. . .kitchen," April responds quickly as her left hand rips the unfinished paragraph from the typewriter and crumples it into a tiny ball, her gaze moving towards the sunlight shining through her bedroom window, "What's that noise?"

Not letting the subject drop, Lucy continues, "Oh! So she was hungry?"

"Yep. Famished," April tosses the paper ball towards the rubbish bin, hitting the rim and depositing the mass onto the floor instead. Rising from the rickety wooden chair at the writing desk, she retrieves the litter and places it squarely in the bin as she continues on to the window to peek outside. "Seriously, it's like a convention of cartoon mice are right below us. . ."

"Cooper planted a pair of chatty saplings near the babbling Brooke to keep her company; the tall, wispy one is Slim, and the leafy one is Shady," Lucy explains, placing her hands on the sill to confirm that that's the noise April is referring to. Retreating from the open air while April is still occupied by other thoughts, she sneaks a handful of crumpled paper from the bin, "I think there's some leftover tilapia in the fridge from last night's supper."

"Fish? Naw, something Mexican would be better," April says, turning around to see Lucy trying to flatten the sheets on the desktop. "Hey now!"

"Are you writing femmeslash for our daughter?" Lucy inquires with a raised brow.

"Of course not! What kind of a parent do you think I am?" April responds defensively. "It's for. . .Jenn!" She cringes inwardly, hoping Jenn doesn't mind this little untruth. Lils has yet to give her any sort of pairing or prompt for the story she's supposed to compose.

"Sorry to burst in like this; I hope I'm not coming at an inopportune moment!" Head announces as he appears in the doorway, dripping wet.

Lucy bites her lip to keep from laughing at the sight of him and of his unfortunate sounding apology. Outwardly, April scowls at the growing puddle in her threshold; inwardly, she's thankful that Lucy's inquisitiveness has been redirected. Placing a hand on April's arm, Lucy says quietly, "I'll take care of whatever is going on. See you for lunch?" She smiles and turns away to escort Head from the room, their voices fading as she walks him down the hallway, inquiring as to why he is soaked to the bone.

* * *

><p>A cold cloth pressed to his forehead does nothing to chase away the green tint that is taking over Gold's features. "So you and Cooper were performing your morning chores, tossing pandameat to the crocs, when Gold appeared on the drawbridge and bumped you into the moat?"<p>

"Right," Head runs his hand through his hair and shakes his head. "We thought he was drunk at first, stumbling around and rambling about cheesecake, but once Sarge gave us a boost to safety, it became clear that something else was going on. . ."

"Cheesecake, you say? That couldn't have made him sick; he didn't even make it to dinner last night," Lucy scrunches up her brow, trying to recall the last time she had seen Gold. "Do you have any idea what project he's been working on in his lab?"

Head stands up and stretches his legs, "No. . .he's been more secretive than usual lately." He grabs a new cloth and replaces the one that has grown as warm as Gold's fever. "Maybe April knows? I ran into her yesterday heading to his lab."

"Oh, yeah? I'll definitely ask her," she says. "Where'd Cooper go after this morning's incident?"

"He helped me bring Gold here, then he wandered away. . .probably running through the sprinkler to clean off!" Head laughs and exits the room to dust the entire Castle, which he promised April that he would do a few weeks ago in Chat.

* * *

><p>Cooper passes by April as she tends to the rosebushes in the sideyard and waves to her happily. It is a little early in the day to hook up the sprinkler and wash off the moat stink, so he continues on towards the babbling Brooke for some refreshment and chatter; he is pleased to see that the two trees he recently transplanted nearby seem to be flourishing within their new company.<p>

"Hello there!" Cooper hails to his three unnatural nature friends.

"Yo, no offense, but you _stink_, C-Drizzle," exclaims Shady.

Slim smacks Shady with her branches, "Manners!" She then turns to Cooper, "Don't mind her; I think you look very gangster in your droopy clothing."

Brooke splashes some cool water onto all three of them and babbles, "I have a cat named Miffy. Well, _had_ would be more accurate. Because cats don't like water. He couldn't swim. Miffy died when I tried to pet him."

Slim asks, "You had a male cat and named him _Miffy_?"

"That's fucked up, Brooke," Shady adds.

"I thought he was a she at first!" Tears start to stream out of Brooke, but no one could tell because, well, she _is_ a stream. Her mood can only be gauged by the incoherency of her babbling, which is now turning into more of a blubber as she becomes worked up about her drowned cat.

Feeling more and more awkward in the conversation, Cooper makes up an excuse about having to mop up rainbows in the courtyard, and slowly meanders back towards the Castle, hoping that April has finished harvesting the flowers she needs so that he can sneak the hose from it's holder.

* * *

><p><em>Knock Knock Knock<em>

"Cooooookies! Hello! I have COOKIES for sale!"

April waits for someone else to answer the door and send the solicitor away, but alas, no one seems to be around. _I don't need cookies._ She finishes placing the last rose into her weekly floral arrangement. _I don't need cookies._ She carries the vase back to its spot on the small table in the entryway.

_Knock Knock Knock_

"Doesn't anyone in this Castle eat COOKIES?"

_I don't need cookies._

"Pets love cookies too!"

_I don't need cookies._

"I have double chocolate chip cookies!"

_Fuck._

April throws open the door, "How much per box?"

"Hi, I'm Kay," the salesperson chirps.

"Yes, you are," April agrees distractedly. "How much per box?"

"Only thirteen dollars," Kay practically shrieks in excitement.

April's jaw nearly hits the floor at the steep price, "You're not in any way affiliated with pandas, right?"

"Oh, no!"

"Aight," April sighs. "Follow me. . .I'm going to have to dig under some sofa cushions to find enough cash for that ransom you're demanding."

* * *

><p>Zoey manages to sneak back into Caesar's Licorice Palace before Angel is due to roll out of bed and down the grand staircase, but little makes it past Irma. Inside her cottage, she sets aside the half-knitted emanda-sized sweater that she's been working on and leans forward in her rocking chair to have a better view of Zoey's early morning rush across the lawn. When the Palace door closes, she sits back and settles her right hand on her new goldeN retriever's head, enjoying the content smile that the furball seems to have permanently etched across its face. Rachel silently paws through the cat-door, laps up a bit of water from her dish, and jumps onto the table to capture the first rays of sun as they creep across the scarred surface.<p>

"And where have _you_ been again, Rache?" Irma's eyes narrow as she studies Rachel's ginger fur, which is completely lacking of any signs that she was out hunting. An emanda goes rolling by, growlsquawking as one of it's siblings chokes with laughter. Irma sighs. "Did Angelique really need another horcrux for her tattered Mary Sue soul?" She reaches down and sets the fallen emanda upright. "And why did she have to 'accidentally' kill your father to accomplish it?" The same emanda is once again pushed to the floor, emitting its horrible hybrid caterwaul and causing even N's persistent smile to waver with uncertainty. "I told her I'd take care of Zoey, but if it turns out my platonic life partner is the bigger threat, Irmagonna French poo up."

* * *

><p>The scent of toasted bread and ooey-gooey melted cheese mingling together draws April to the kitchen promptly at noon. Tossing the half consumed box of double chocolate chip cookies onto the counter, she finds Lucy cooking and viewing a recorded episode of <em>The Hunger Games. <em>

"You and your cooking shows," April teases. "How's that Peeta fella doing?"

"Actually, he made this really interesting macaroni and cheese recipe," Lucy starts to explain before seeing the hopelessness of such an endeavor while April is enjoying her food. "You probably wouldn't care for it though; more than two ingredients were involved and none originated from a tin."

"Uh-huh." April half speaks and half mimes, "Superb toasted cheese; really top notch!"

Lucy rolls her eyes and shakes her head at April's stunted palate. "So what has Gold been working on?"

April chokes a little as Lucy surprises her with such an unexpected question for the second time that day. "Gold?"

"Right, _Gold_. He knocked Cooper and Head into the moat this morning, and right now he's in bed with a fever."

April nods her head thoughtfully as she tries to come up with an answer. "Well, uh. . .hell! You're buttloads smarter and more scientific than I am. . .how about we take a stroll down to his lab and have a look around?"

"Mmm," Lucy holds up a hand to stop the progression of the matter while she finishes her own sandwich. Washing the last bite down with a swig of ice cold water, she stands up in agreement, "I'd like that. But first, I think you should take a look at his condition; it's very peculiar."

* * *

><p><em>Knock Knock Knock<em>

"COOKIES! Cookiescookiescookies!"

_Knock Knock Knock_

"Master! I have COOKIE NEWS!"

_Knock Knock Knock_

Angel angrily throws open the door. "Do I know you?"

"I'm here to see my Master! Zoey!"

Angel arches her brow. _Master Zoey?_ Hmm. Deciding to play along, she says, "Oh, yes! Silly me! Your Master is down the hall, third door on the left."

"Thanks," Kay yells much too loudly into Angel's ear. She skips halfway down the hall before reversing her course and returning to Angel, who is still standing near the open door, puzzling over this odd guest. "Have a cookie!" Kay shoves a cookie into Angel's gaping mouth, bops her in the forehead, and scurries from the room once more.

* * *

><p>Within seconds of seeing Gold's detioriated condition, April confesses, "Gold is creating an army! Of zombie pandas!"<p>

"Why?"

Fidgeting with the ring on her finger, April says quietly, "Because I told him to?" She walks to Gold's bedside and notes how his cheeks seem to have sunken in and his lips have become dry and cracked. "He's starting to look like them. The zombies. Maybe he was bitten?"

Lucy shakes her head, "No, there was no blood anywhere." She places the back of her hand to his forehead. "He doesn't feel warm anymore. . ."

". . .which probably isn't a very good sign if he's becoming part of the living dead," April finishes. "We need to get down to his lab and figure out what happened. Pronto."

Aproma exits Gold's room and begins to rush off to his laboratory in the lower level, but April halts as they hit the first landing on the stairs. She stands frozen with indecision, then bolts back up the stairs two at a time. Lucy is confused and starts to follow, but they crash into one another near the top step as April reappears with a key dangling off a length of string around her neck.

"You know," she says as she drops the intricately cut piece of metal beneath her shirt, "just in case."

Lucy nods as they resume their descent.

* * *

><p>"I told you never to come here!" Zoey hisses as Kay overzealously slams the door shut. "You're an incredibly insubordinate minion!"<p>

"But I just came from the Rainbow Castle! I have exciting news!"

Zoey sighs, "Okay, well, you're already here, so. . .what did you learn?"

Kay rushes to the window and undoes the latch, waving her arm in a beckoning motion, as she yells back to Zoey, "They're missing some pandas!"

Zoey shakes her head, "Oh, Kay. . .there are no pandas over there except for the rotting pile in the stables that they feed to the crocs. . ."

A low growl emanates from just beyond the windowsill and Kay jumps back as a stinky green panda head lumbers into view. "There are no pandas _anymore_! Because I rescued them!"

"Them?" Zoey slowly makes her way to where Kay is standing back from the decomposing panda stench and grimy, thick-fingered panda hands pawing aimlessly at the air. As her view improves, she sees that Kay has indeed brought a dozen of the far-from-cuddly bears onto the property. "Well, I'll be damned."

"I think you already are. . ."

"Shush!" Zoey collapses into her makeshift throne of cat skulls. "I have to think."

* * *

><p>Aproma stand in the doorway, identical looks of unease on their faces.<p>

"I thought you said there were zombie pandas in here?"

April places a finger to her lips and slowly steps over a pile of broken glass, remnants of a noxious green liquid still clinging to some of the shards, which she points out to Lucy, "That looks like the concoction he was injecting them with. . ."

_BANG!_

_BANG!_

_BANG!_

"What the fuck was that," Lucy yells, giving up on continuing any further semblance of stealth as she dodges around April and the multiple items of overturned furniture to reach the exterior door from which the noise emanated. Throwing caution to the wind, she yanks open the door, revealing three freshly unconscious licorice bats piled on top of one another. April peeks over her shoulder as she crouches to detach the fruit roll-up messages from their legs. Straightening up again, they put their heads together to decipher the tiny, urgent scribbling:

_What do you mean someone ate my horcrux?!_

_Find the new vessel and bring them to me immediately!_

_I will be the bamboo in your side for all of eternity if you don't FIX THIS!_


	3. Chapter 3

Head collapses opposite from Muffin on the sofa in the tower's sitting room, "I fear that I am ill, my love."

Flipping a page in her textbook and biting off another chunk from the bamboo shoot in her hand, Muffin inquires, "What ails thee, darling?"

"Worry," Head replies, scooting closer to Muffin's side of the torturously long piece of furniture. Muffin munches on her bamboo and flips another page. Head scoots closer yet and spins himself around on the cushion. "My dearest, will you not help me to forget my troubles?" he begs, laying his head across her studies.

With a sigh, Muffin removes her book from beneath Head's head and sets it on the sidetable for later reading. Running her free hand through his unruly brown hair, her voice softens, "Of course I will help you, my little lovebug! What is causing you worry?"

"Oh, Snookums, Gold is the one who is truly ill. . ."

Muffin bites off another chunk of bamboo and waits for him to continue.

". . .do your texts contain any cure for zombie blood poisoning?"

"How did he contract it? Was he bitten?"

"No. . ."

Chewing thoughtfully for a moment, an idea finally comes to her and Head thumps unceremoniously onto the floor as she leaps from her seat to retrieve some items from her medical cupboard. Head is rubbing the sore elbow that he landed on when she returns and offers him a hand up from the floor. "Come on, cutie patootie! We have no time to waste!"

* * *

><p>Johanna leans close to Lils' ear and speaks quietly from the corner of her mouth, "What is this gathering about?"<p>

"How would I know," Lils responds with an arch of her brow, "I've been with _you_ all day, dork."

Johanna narrows her eyes, "Who're you calling a 'dork', dork!"

"It was a term of endearment," Lils sighs.

"Like," Johanna bites her lip, "I'm adorkable?"

Lils tilts her head questioningly, "Is that even a word?"

Before Johanna can respond in the affirmative, Cooper trumpets the commencement of the meeting, rendering all in attendance temporarily deaf. April snatches the instrument from his pursed lips and hangs it on the unicorn's horn. Cooper starts to reach for it again, but Lucy spins him around and requests that he keep guard in the doorway. "Fellow Lurkers," she begins.

Gabbie raises her hand, "I'm not really a lurker, am I? I'm actually not _on_ the forum much. . ."

Zero, Snail, Nona, Yuki, and Kitty just nod, but Jenn speaks up, "OMFG, gab you're a gamer thru and thru, yo. / /no seriously. we've got trouble with a capital A, BITCHES. it's bonding time for lurkers and gamers. TURTLE POWER! / /fist bump"

"Capital A?" Nona asks with a look of confusion.

April hops over to Jenn and bumps the closed fist she still has thrust into the air, before answering, "A for Angel."

"It's actually more of an A to Z problem," Lucy adds. "Zoey may also be involved, though that's unconfirmed at this point."

"Poema can take care of ZoZo, Prylla!" Kitty offers._  
><em>

"That's _not_ April's name," Lucy mutters through gritted teeth.

Kitty hears her, but can't help digging her hole deeper yet, "What was that, Esme?"

Shaking her head, April declines the assistance of Kitty's extraordinarily largeheaded anime cat-child, "Sorry, but Poema's head would surely be the largest target on the battlefield and-" she flips through the emails on her smartphone, "I've just been informed that mere moments ago she had a near fatal accident involving a pit of sharpened bamboo sticks. You should probably remain at her bedside, Kitty." April continues bestowing her most apologetic look on the demented queen as Cooper noisily escorts her from the meeting. "Aight, Esme, what now?"

Lucy smacks April in the arm and resumes speaking to the gathering, "We need intel. Everyone meet in the front hall at nine o'clock and be sure to dress for the occasion."

* * *

><p>"Stop wriggling, Angie!"<p>

"Then hurry up," Angel's voice yells back from between Irma's thighs. "I can't hold this position forever! Pound faster!"

"Don't you dare yell at me! If you had paid more attention to the habits of your ward, we wouldn't be having this awkward conversation!"

Angel sputters in indignation - or perhaps she is just choking on loose cat hair. Zoey's voice, muffled by the solid wooden door and the haphazardly attached boards that Irmangel are still trying to secure into place, breaks through the cussing, "Are you two having sexytimez? There seems to be a lot of heavy breathing going on. . ."

Irma lets out a gasp - which is far from pleasurable - and colorfully chastises Zoey for her unnecessary insinuation that Irmangel is anything but platonic.

"Uh-huh, whatever," Zoey responds nonchalantly. "I'm just going to go climb out the window and visit Yew now. . .see you later!"

"Damn it! The window!" Angel spins on her heel to head Zoey off, forgetting that Irma is still astride her shoulders affixing boards with nail and hammer - until she finds herself sprawled out on the hall floor with a pair of beady little eyes staring her down. She angrily shoves Irma's silly-sock clad feet away and leaps up to continue her sprint for Zoey.

* * *

><p>Lilanna are practicing their ninja moves in the front hall while waiting for the rest of the group to arrive for the evening's mission. Johanna lets out a roar and jumps off an ornately carved benchseat, trying to form her limbs into a proper flying front kick aimed at Lils' head, but gravity defies her, dropping her black slippered feet onto the floor a yard from her intended target.<p>

"Way to stick the landing," Lils sniggers. "Let me show you how it's done - kung fu panda-style." As the other Lurkers begin to drift through the door and watch, Lils throws a punch at Johanna's face - easily deflected by the redhead, who scoffs at the lameness of her friend's attack - but then proceeds to swing her leg up and towards Johanna's midsection, sending the other girl careening towards the vase of freshcut flowers. "Oh!" Lils realizes her mistake in the knick of time and captures a fistful of fabric on the back of Johanna's shirt. "Phew! I thought we were screwed for a moment-"

"Oh, you most surely are," Lucy says as she appears between the two girls. "Lils, how often must I remind you to be careful around April's flowers?"

"Why do you always call them _April's_ flowers?" Lils counters.

Lucy scrunches up her brow. "Because-"

"Yeah, April always says they're _yours_," Johanna chimes in.

"Well-"

"April doesn't even _like_ roses," Lils says matter of factly. Johanna nods in agreement.

"But _Lucy_ likes roses," Cooper slides stealthily into the midst of their conversation, "and April likes Lucy." He flashes his biggest smile and slaps his sister on the back with an open palm. "Simple!"

The three women stare at his outfit, but Johanna is the first of them able to form a sentence while keeping a straight face, "When Lucy told us to 'dress for the occasion', your first thought was. . ."

"Utter confusion!" Cooper declares. "I'm unaccustomed to wearing garments not made of steel. But April was kind enough-"

"Uh-oh, here it comes. . ." Lils interjects under her breath.

"-to suggest some Australian pieces of fashion for my comfort!" He takes a moment to perform a little wriggling maneuver in his lower extremeties. "I'm liking the floppy hat and sunnies, but the thong-"

"Thongs," Lils cuts in. "Plural. You have two feet don't you?"

Once again, three pairs of eyes work their way over his outfit, ending on the scuffed leather boots shielding his feet. Johanna lets out a squeal and backpedals away from the group. Lils snorts and covers her mouth quickly. Lucy places a hand on Cooper's shoulder and leads him out of the room. "Son, sometimes it's best to _not_ ask April for help. . ."

* * *

><p>"Door-to-door cookie sales is a dangerous occupation." Kay folds the wickedly sharp blade back into the knife's handle and places the weapon into her purse for safekeeping, "And working with you isn't much better."<p>

Zoey continues to rub the rope burns around her wrists, "I can't believe they tied me up with something other than licorice. I was expecting licorice. I was _prepared_ for licorice."

"Just because Angel chose her army for their cuteness, doesn't mean she's totally crazy. . ."

"Oh, but she is!" Zoey picks herself up off of the floor and and crosses to her computer desk, "Guess how many horcruxes she's up to now?"

"Three!"

Shuffling through papers in a side drawer, Zoey responds over her shoulder, "Higher."

"Two thousand seven hundred and ninety-three!"

Zoey pauses, and slowly turns around to face Kay, "_Really?_"

Shrugging her shoulders apologetically, Kay offers, "I was never very good at guessing games, sorry. . ."

"Twenty-four is the current count. _Two dozen_ little bits of murderous Mary Sue hidden around FanFictionNet-" Zoey straightens up and blows dust off the cover of the book she was looking for, "-and according to a licorice bat I intercepted, one of those bits currently resides _inside_ a member of the Little family, though they may not yet be aware of the infiltration."

"That's hilarious!"

"Well, I'm not sure about _hilarious_, but I guess it is a bit ironic," Zoey concedes as she pages through 'Training Your Panda for Dummies', bookmarking a page with her hand as she reaches for a highlighter. "Kind of reminds me of a story I read once. . ."

"Charlie Bone?"

"Not worth the time to read," Zoey says absently, highlighting a sentence in the Training chapter of the book she stole from Angel.

"Billy Owens?"

"That's not even a book, silly. You really aren't very good at guessing things, are you?" With a sigh, Zoey grabs the pail of rodent brains that Yew and Rachel have been collecting for her, and shoves the wooden chest at the end of her bed to the side, revealing a trap door. "C'mon! Angel has surely taken her sleeping pill by now, and we have zombies to train!"

* * *

><p>Lucy army crawls beside April, speaking low, "Did you discover who the horcrux is? Is that why you were late?"<p>

"No," April admits, "I was having a bit of a personal crisis."

"Oh. . ." Lucy stops and reaches through the darkness to place a hand on April's arm, "Anything that I can help with?"

April is about to shoot her down, but quickly reconsiders, "Yes. Perhaps you can!" She reaches up and flips on Lucy's headlamp, leans in close, and uses the fingers of her right hand to part the hair above her left brow, "Does this patch of hair look like it's turning grey to you?"

Lucy immediately snaps off her light, whispering angrily, "_That's_ your crisis? You were willing to compromise our mission so I could confirm that your hair is going white?"

"_White?!_ Shit, that's even worse!"

"Do you even _care_ if Gold turns into a walking corpse?" Lucy hisses.

"Of course I do!"

"Then you've got a damn funny way of showing it!" Lucy starts crawling faster to catch up with the rest of the Lurkers making their way towards the sweet scent of the Licorice Palace, but momentarily stops a few feet ahead to add, "Maybe The Angel was right about you. . .you're only good at Photoshopping and breaking my heart."

* * *

><p>Irma crashes through Angel's bedroom door, leaps onto the canopied bed and slaps Angie across the face, "Wake up! There are zombie pandas roaming the Palace lawns and a bunch of Littles crawling this way through the grass! WAKE THE ** UP!"<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Rachel sinks her claws unnecessarily deep into the bark as she ascends to her favorite lookout branch high up in Yew's greenery. He has the freedom to spend his days and nights waxing poetically, chasing April's squirrels and Lils' chipmunks from his branches, and swaying his long limbs high into the air. . .but in order to _see_ anything beyond the Castle's wall, Zoey and Rachel must be his eyes. So he grimaces and bears it, because there is no use arguing with a cat - especially this feisty ginger specimen. "What disturbance can you find, my keen-eyed friend?" A soft _purr_ tumbles down through his branches, the message it carries sending a shiver through Yew's core as he repeats it quietly to himself. "War, you say? That is certainly no laughing matter. . ."

* * *

><p>"Don't you think it's kind of funny how we all live in castles and palaces, but no one is called 'Queen'?" Muffin ponders out loud as she positions the slide of Gold's blood on the microscope's stage, adjusts the focus, and peers into the eyepiece.<p>

"You are_ my_ queen!" Head reminds her as he goes about checking Gold's vitals just as she showed him to do, writing the steadily improving numbers onto his clipboard. "My Bulgarian Ice Queen!"

A sigh nearly escapes her lips, but she manages to hold it in, the same as the words she'd like to say - _I want to be a goddess. _Instead, she announces with a smile, "The filtration is working! This sample shows considerably less zombie-blood activity than the previous two!"

"Fantastic!" Head embraces Muffin in a celebratory hug. "You're so much more than a beautiful queen. . ."

_Say that I'm a goddess. _

". . .you're. . ."

_There's nothing more powerful than the ability to bring someone back from the brink of death. _

". . .a smart, funny, talented _and_ beautiful queen!"

_I am a goddess._

* * *

><p>Angel pushes Irma and the bedcovers roughly off of her body and reaches towards her nightstand to silence the audio loop of souls screaming. She rolls herself out of bed, stops long enough at the dressing table to brush through her hair, then continues down the hall to the last door on the left. Dark now - a reflection of the world outside the Palace - the room boasts a wall of windows by which she can gaze upon her kingdom all day long.<p>

Until the damn Littles built their gaudy castle of rainbows in the middle of her view, that is.

Smashing a fist into the giant red button protruding from the wall, a bank of computer monitors rises from the hidden compartment in the floor, and pitchblack curtains swoosh over the windows to hide the glow of the two dozen high-definition screens. Irma adjusts her glasses and steps behind Angel, peering at the screens as Angel types in commands that pull up various surveillance cameras from around the Palace. Pointing at an image in the top left corner, she asks, "What's that?"

"My monster truck."

"And that?" She points to another screen.

"My newest amped up pandaglomping gun."

"How about this?"

"That's a Little!" Angel pulls the image up larger. "At least, I _think_ it's a Little. . .they add family members so quickly, it's insanity. Who does it look like to you?"

Irma gives Angel's chair a shove backwards so that she can peer closer at the screen. "It moves kind of Cooper-ish. . .but you'd think his armor would pick up some reflection from the moon, wouldn't you?" Angel makes no reply, so Irma asks again, "_Wouldn't you?_"

"Oh, so now that you've pushed me into a corner all the way across the room, _now_ you want my opinion?" Angel crosses her arms grumly. "Irmathis and Irmathat. . .you're one bossy cat lady, you know that?"

"And you're one pain in the ** panda," Irma mutters beneath her breath as she crosses the room to Angel, grabs hold of the chair's armrest, and starts dragging her parabatai partner back to the screens.

* * *

><p>A fluttering of the pale light they've been guiding themselves by causes the dew-covered lurkers to pause. As one, their gazes lift to the sky, searching all around. . .and landing on the moon's silvery facade at the very moment the shadow passes through the light again.<p>

Lils whispers loud enough for the group to hear her, "What was _that_?"

"A bat," Johanna answers. "Don't you have bats in Australia?"

"Of course we have bats-"

"-but contrary to popular belief, not all of our wildlife is ten times larger than the rest of the world's," Estoma finishes. Lils sticks her tongue out at Johanna, Johanna swats at Lils. . .but before their part in the evening's mission can devolve into a scene reminiscent of roly-poly lovebugs volleying insults and utter cuteness back and forth, another disturbance of the moon's light silences everyone once again. The stomp of a hoof and a soft whinny put to rest any crazy ideas of man-sized bats.

"Unicorn?" Cooper asks hopefully.

"Not unless he's secretly taken up skydiving," April responds. "_This_ thing just dropped out of the sky, and _your_ unicorn has no wings. . ."

"I CAN'T. I JUST _CAN'T_. NOPE. NOPENOPE_NOPE_," announces the mystery equine.

"Oh, for Pete's sake!" Zero groans.

"I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, YES I DID! PETE'S MY BAE!"

"Saph, would you lower your voice and climb down off of Castor? This is supposed to be a secret reconnaissance mission," Zero begs quietly.

"SORRY," Saph stage whispers as she and Rowan slide off the pegacorn's back and sprawl out in the grass like the rest of the lurkers. "Do you have a couple of spare lights?"

* * *

><p>"They're calling in the cavalry!" Angel announces, her eyes comically wide as she watches events unfold on the screen.<p>

"It's time," Irma says.

Angel looks up at her quizzically, "Time for what?"

"To fire up the Roombas," Irma replies.

Angel smacks both hands into her forehead and drags them down her face, "Oh, no. . ."

"Oh, _yes_!" Irma bounces excitedly on her feet. "Grab the sweaters, we're going to WAR!"

* * *

><p>"I need more brains!"<p>

"Sorry, can't help you there, _dahling_," Zoey responds, focused more on the odiferous panda three meters in front of her than the words coming out of Kay's mouth. "Oh, wait, you meant _rodent_ brains for the _pandas_? My bad!" She uses her foot to scoot a half full pail towards Kay. "Help yourself!"

Scooping up a handful of small, grayish-pink organs, Kay throws them rapid-fire quick at a grouping of pandas who are milling about. One up high, one to the far left, another to the right, and one rolling on the ground; one zombie panda pounces on the grounder brain instantly, followed in short order by the other three, who each snatch a tasty treat out of the air right before they fly past. Zoey's jaw falls open in awe. "You surprise the shit out of me on occasion!"

"Thanks, Master!"

* * *

><p><em>Meewwwwl!<em>

_HISSssssSssssss!_

"Oh, my purple! Why for blue's sake are these greening cats being so orangey problematic tonight?"

"First of all, watch that colorful language of yours! It's hurting my brain." Angel wrestles another cat paw through the tiny sleevehole of a custom-made Gryffindor sweater. "Second, they're _cats_. What cat have you ever met that _likes_ wearing clothes?"

"Rachel doesn't seem to mind. . ."

"Yeah, okay, but where _is_ that fearless feline leader of yours? Huh? She's becoming more difficult to locate with each day that passes!" Angel swats at a cat that just tried to gouge her cheek, and gives it the most ferocious hiss that she can muster.

Flustered by Angel's inquiries - because she truly has no idea where her beloved ginger pussycat has been hiding - Irma distracts herself by walking down the first row of RoombaCats, powering up each machine with her foot as she passes. Cats immediately start bumping into one another and spinning in all possible directions. She rubs her hands together, a gleam in her eye as she watches her dream come to life. "They're _purrfect_."

Angel sets the last cat on its Roomba, taps the power button, and watches the furball spin in counterclockwise circles for no apparent reason. "This is going to be _cat_astrophic. For _us_."

* * *

><p>"Okay, someone help me out here. . .do you see a bunch of little red blinking lights ahead of us?" Gabbie points to an area in which there is indeed a multitude of rather erratically moving light emitting diodes. "What do you think they mean?"<p>

"Vampire bats!" Johanna exclaims.

"What is your obsession with bats, dwark?" Lils asks, eyeing Johanna with both brows arched, making the other girl lower her head in embarrassment.

"Fire ants!" Zero bleats.

"Fire ants are not actually _on fire_, I regret to inform you," responds an unfamiliar voice._  
><em>

"Hello?" Zero glances over her shoulder in hopes of locating the voice's owner. "Who are you, Ms. Ant Expert?" A brush of fabric and a light touch to her elbow shows that the owner has located her first.

"Iris is the name I generally respond to," she says. "Pleasure to make your acquaintance! I believe those lights denote a grouping of electronic machines that were sent out to sweep for foreign objects."

"Foreign objects." Zero scratches her head in thought. "Like _us_?"

"Exactly," Iris agrees.

* * *

><p>"Damnit, why are the pandas suddenly so agitated?" Zoey grumbles and kicks the empty brain pail out of her way as she paces in front of Kay.<p>

"It looks to me like Angel has finally allowed Irma to use the RoombaCats!"

"What the fuck is a RoombaCat?" Zoey stops her pacing. "And how do you know so much more about the happenings in this Palace than I do?" Kay simply shrugs in response. They both watch as the zombie pandas begin to meander lazily towards the crazy cats.

Her face suddenly contorted with worry, Kay hesitantly asks, "They couldn't possibly still be hungry, could they?"

A few moments tick by as her question registers with Zoey. "Ohmygod! We can't let them eat Irma's cats! I'll be grounded _forever_!" She grabs a length of rope from their pile of training tools and tosses one end to Kay. "Quick, help me corral them!"

* * *

><p>"Ooh, kitties!" Brooke splashes over her embankment in excitement. "Slim! Shady! Wake up!"<p>

Slim yawns and stretches her branches to the sky, asking, "Wha? What time is it?"

"I don't care what time it is," Shady says, hunkering down and shaking her leaves in a disgruntled manner. "It's still dark, therefore I'm going back to sleep."

"But _look_ at them," Brooke gurgles. "Aren't they just the most super-cute little bundles of love _ever_?! They're wearing Hogwarts House-colored sweaters!"

Curiosity winning over annoyance, Slim peers through her foliage at the hordes of quietly yowling felines slowly making their way past. "Huh. That's certainly different."

"Everything's 'different' in this crazyass place," mumbles Shady.

Brooke can no longer contain herself; she cascades over the bank and starts to rush towards the RoombaCat army. "Here, kitties kitties kitties! HERE, KITTIES KITTIES KITTIES! I want to _pet_ you!"

Slim's roots strain to break free of the soil holding her near the bank, but Cooper has been tending to his saplings lovingly, and they are well entrenched in their new homes. "Brooke, NO! Remember Miffy!"

"'Miffy'," chuckles Shady. "I had almost forgotten about Miffy. What a silly name for a-" She stops mid-sentence, remembering Miffy's fate. "Oh, shit! _Brooke!_"

The yells of the two young trees are drowned out by the frightened meows of hundreds of cats as Brooke flows effortlessly through the field of Roombas, frying their circuitry - but not before the machines simultaneously deliver electrical shocks powerful enough to knock out the entire fleet of kitties, their strength tragically magnified by the lovingly-made uniforms of static-enhancing yarn. To make matters worse, two dozen lumbering pandas are steadily approaching the scene, seemingly in an attempt to attack the cats. Slim and Shady glance at each other questioningly at this development, noting that both the cats and pandas were approaching _from_ the Licorice Palace.

"Why would one faction of The Angel's army try to eat another?"

As Slim tries to come up with a logical answer to her sister's question, Zoey and Kay suddenly come sprinting into view. They run around the group of pandas - Zoey working clockwise and Kay taking the counter-route - drawing the monochromatic thugs closer and closer together each time they duck under one another with their end of the rope. Tying the ends together in an exceptionally large and complicated knot, Zoey rests her forearm and head on Kay's shoulder to catch her breath; they appear to be debating their next move.

Still confused by all the nocturnal activity, Shady starts shaking her leaves again. "What the hell is going on?"

* * *

><p>"Ha! HAha-HA!" Angel laughs into Irma's face. "Your RoombaCats didn't even make it past the battleline before being thwarted by the Littles!"<p>

"Yeah, yeah," Irma says glumly. "Quit your gloating already. . .your big, dopey pandas are going to have to pick up the slack now."

"Oh, they _will_!" Angel marches towards the door. "C'mon Irms. . .I need my bamboo scepter from the throne room, then I'll show you how a battle is won!"


	5. Chapter 5

"I'm pretty sure the sweepers have disappeared," Zero announces.

"Maybe they just went into 'stealth-mode'?" Suggests Cooper as he barges into the tiny amount of space between Lilanna. Johanna sighs and scoots over to allow him more room, but Lils slides a large push-pin from her sleeve and is nearly poking through the fabric covering his upper arm when April suddenly comes tumbling through the center of the group and lands on Cooper. With April unaware of how close her ass was to becoming a pincushion, Lils tucks her secret weapon away.

Lucy arrives in a much more diginified manner than her wife. "I agree that the disappearance of the blinking lights may be a cause for concern. Cooper, would you please flank us on the right and keep watch?" Cooper tries to salute, but April's continued presence on his back prevents much limb movement. "April, you might as well assist him."

"Yes, dear," says April, while removing herself from Cooper's personal space. "C'mon, Coop! We'll be the first to fight pandas!"

"_Huzzah!_"

Lucy waits until April and Cooper have taken up their posts before continuing. "If The Angel is really sending forces out to locate us, then I'm afraid I've invited you all along on a much more dangerous mission than I initially imagined it would be. . .and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't be sorry," Gabbie tells her.

"Yeah," Nona agrees, placing a reassuring hand on Lucy's shoulder. "We all came willingly."

"And _hello_! We. Are. _N__injas_," Jenn reminds them. "We can defend ourselves just fine, I have no doubt."

"Statistically speaking, the Littles have an excellent record of either overcoming their opponents, or simply holding them off," Iris adds. "The pandas' mortality rate in battle is astronomical, and I find The Angel's continued use of them as her first line of defense to be totally ignorant of the notoriously bad breeding habits of the species."

_Unless she's starting to use the zombie kind._Lucy clears the thought from her mind before it can fester there; surely the undead pandas that escaped from Gold's laboratory were hungry and headed straight for the Lollipop Forest upon gaining their freedom. She refocuses herself by pondering how the Lurkers can successfully turn their reconnaissance mission into an assault without adding the chaos of retrieving the Rainbow Castle's animal militaries.

* * *

><p><em>ArrRrrgGhhhhhhh. . .<em>

"Oh no," Head cries woefully. "All of our hard work and he _still_ turned into a zombie!"

"No, no, my love!" Muffin quickly crosses to Gold's bedside with a spoonful of ice chips and places them carefully into his parched mouth. "Just give him a moment to wake up!"

". . ._cheesecake_. . ."

"He's still obsessed with cheesecake," Head shakes his head in disbelief. "What could it mean?"

* * *

><p>"<em>HUZZAH!"<em> April and Cooper yell out his catchphrase together as they charge towards the approaching contingent of pandas. Cooper stretches his arm out to catch one of the beasts in the neck, clotheslining it backwards onto the damp grass. April ducks down to tackle the next panda in the knees, straightening up as her shoulder makes contact with its flabby belly, flipping the stinky bastard over her back. Mother and son clasp their hands and sprint for the next panda like they're playing a hellacious game of 'Red Rover'. Three pandas lying motionless on the ground, and no others in sight, Cooper and April take a moment to do a victory dance involving many high-fives, butt wriggling, and bellybonks.

Saph stares at the scene and bumps Rowan in the arm, "What has got into those two?"

"Cooper is on a constant sugar high," Zero points out. "And April pretty much ate that entire cheesecake on her own last night at supper, so. . ."

Overhearing Zero, Lucy starts toying with a piece of hair that has escaped her pink (and thus very un-spy-like) bow. _Her hair is turning white. And she took those pandas out much too easily. Oh no._ "Lils!" She beckons her daughter over to her side. "We've got a problem that I really don't have time to fully explain, okay?" She bites her lip, trying to decide what to do. "Keep April away from Angel."

Johanna scoffs from her permanent position at Lils' side, "That's your master plan?"

"Yes. I don't care if we're winning or losing. . .if they come anywhere near each other, _stop them_."

Johanna is about to say something more, but Lils notices that Lucy is now gnawing on the nails of one hand as the other continues to wind and unwind in her hair, so she spins Johanna around and gives her a friendly thwack to get moving. "We're on it!"

* * *

><p>Angel splashes the surface of her magical cauldron in frustration, sending droplets of melted chocolate in Irma's direction. "Staring into this thing always makes me angry. And hungry."<p>

_A dangerous combination,_ Irma thinks as she cleans her glasses on the pelt of a nearby panda. "It was only a small group of soldiers, Ang. They were supposed to observe, not engage. . .you can't predict the main battle using just this incident."

"Did you hear Johanna say I was 'panda ignorant'?"

Irma scrunches up her face. "I think it was actually Iris."

"Really? Those two are confusing." Angel crosses her arms over her chest and stares at the swirling chocolate as it attempts to refocus on the scene. "Whichever one said it, they have a point. My panda numbers _have _been dwindling."

"So what are you going to do?"

"The first Little that appears is going to have to battle me mano-a-mano."

* * *

><p>Zoey and Kay manage to drag their squirming bundle of zombie pandas back to the cellar without any further issues, but when they try to push open the door, they discover that Irmangel barred it shut after retreating from the RoombaCat fiasco. Unable to sneak such a large amount of riled up pandas into the Palace through her normal passageways, Zoey enlists Kay's help to snap a candycane off the building's facade, then they stake their monochromatic mass to the ground just out of sight from any passerbys.<p>

But the Onyx is no mere passerby. Lounging in the branches of a lollipop tree, just far enough into the forest to stay hidden, she has been observing this evening's events from the very beginning. _ The cats are goners. The pandas are grounded._ She rolls up the parchment she was sketching on and slides it into her quiver, where it nestles safely amongst her yellow foam arrows. _The potential for fun is dwindling by the second! _She pulls her blue plastic crossbow down from a nearby branch and plucks the black elastic string that serves absolutely no purpose. Smiling deviously, she places her hand on the grip and whistles for her sloths. "My friends, we must not allow peace to come so easily! To the battle, I say, and with haste!"

* * *

><p>"Where is Aproma?" Gold's head is pounding, but he uses his elbow's to work himself into a more upright position for conversation.<p>

"They left hours ago to spy on The Angel," Muffin says as she fluffs a pile of pillows to help support Gold.

Head nods. "Yew has informed us that tragic events occurred in the fields between our strongholds, and we're now on the verge of battle, yet-"

"-we have received no official notice to ready the animal armies," Muffin finishes.

"Mobilize them," Gold commands as he tosses the bedsheets off his body. _I helped make the Angel what she is, and now I will give my all to destroy her._

* * *

><p>Cooper and April are taking their protective duties seriously, staying well ahead of the Lurkers to intercept any dangerous minions of The Angel before they can inflict harm. Lils and Johanna the pair with caution, taking great care not to give away their location to any enemy spies. . .<em>and <em>rather loathe to startle the warriors after seeing how deftly they disposed of the previous pandas.

"The movies always use some sort of a bird noise to alert each other," Johanna suggests in a hushed tone.

"I'm not much of an owl," Lils replies.

"And I'm not much of a crow."

"What sound do pelicans make?"

Lils' question stumps Johanna. "You know, I have no idea!"

"I can sort of a do a kookaburra call. . ."

Johanna's face brightens. "Ooh, do it! I've never heard a kookaburra! I'll love you forever if you do it now, _pleasepleaseplease_!"

"Okay. . ."

Lils clears her throat as quietly as possible, and when she opens her mouth again, the most annoying noise in the world starts to be emitted. And it keeps going, on and on, until Johanna has to remove her hands from her ears and slap them over Lils mouth to silence her. "I _hate_ you."

"You said you'd love me forever," Lils' muffled voice responds.

"That was before I knew what a kookaburra sounded like," Johanna says. "That probably alerted everyone within a five mile radius to our location, dwark!"

Moments later, Cooper and April appear from around a patch of wild gummy bear shrubs. Cooper's eyes are wide with confusion, and April looks slightly furious at the noisy intrusion. She begins to stomp towards Lilanna, but before her profanity can reach Johanna's fragile ears, a red lasso tightens around her midsection and she is yanked backwards through the sugary underbrush.

* * *

><p>Onyx plucks a striped stick from a nearby sapling and places it between her lips. She sighs, nostalgic for the days of nicotine's calm, not the frenzied sugar high of this ridiculous forest. She peers into the branches above to locate her three-toed friends, but the effort is unnecessary because they've barely moved from the position they were in fifteen minutes ago. <em>Why didn't I recruit the two-headed cats? <em>She rests her back against the trunk of an immense lollipop tree and starts to slide down into a sitting position, but is halted halfway when her shirt gets snagged. Leaning away from the trunk in an awkward squatting manner, she hears the velcro-y sound of fabric disengaging from a sticky surface._ Of course I would choose to rest against the only tree in the area with a fucking wet spot. _She angrily crunches through the cherry-flavored sugar stick and waits for her army to catch up.

_Squeak squeak_

_Click Clunk_

"Hiss!" Kitty slides off the bicycle's seat and lets the useless hunk of metal crash onto its side. She falls cross-legged to the ground beside the rented tandem and stares sourly at the chain that has once again fallen off the sprocket while she was trying to switch gears.

"A bicycle built for two usually works better with, well, _two_."

Kitty leaps to her feet in surprise, not expecting to run into anyone in the woods at night. "Hiss!"

"Whoa, whoa! Don't be scared," Onyx tells her soothingly. "I'm a friend. And I'm quite capable of fixing your bike if you'll allow me to ride along for a little ways."

"Do you like cats," Kitty asks suspiciously.

"Well, sure! Who _doesn't _like cats," Onyx responds enthusiastically.

"Prylla." _Hiss._

"I don't know who or what that is. . ."

"My nemesis. I am going to attack her during the battle and slice off her lips and her ears and her nose and her eyebrows and her eyelids and her fingernails and her fingertips and her kneecaps and each hair on her head-"

"-that last one would actually be more painful if you just scalped her," Onyx awkwardly interjects. "Because the individual hairs aren't going to feel any pain, so. . .you know what? Nevermind. We're heading in the same direction, and that's all that matters! Partners?" She bends to lift the bike upright and reattach its chain.

"Meow!"

"Good enough for me."

* * *

><p>Cooper has nearly finished chewing through his licorice restraints by the time Lilanna returns to the site of April's kidnapping with the rest of the Lurkers. "Awww," he complains as Lils unwinds the last loop from his wrists. "That was really delicious! I wonder if the Palace makes it themselves? I might have to place an order for a batch!"<p>

"Cooper!" Johanna flings brightly colored confetti into his face to get his mind off of sweets.

"Sorry, not sorry," Lils can't help saying under her breath. Johanna turns to her and raises her open palm again. "Oops. Carry on."

Lucy appears and offers him her hand. "Get on up, Coop. We've lost precious time." Lils and Johanna both hide their heads in shame. Lucy looks at her motley crew and sighs. "It would probably be safer to proceed as a group now." She starts to lead the way towards Caesar's Palace, the outline of which has become illuminated by a flickering orange light on the side opposite of their approach. Her mind is chanting _hurry hurry hurry, _but her voice remains calm. "Keep a steady pace, weapons at the ready."

* * *

><p>"Zoey, I forgive you for all of your treachery!" Angel jumps up and down with a sparkle of murderous glee in her eyes. "I asked for <em>a <em>Little, but you and Kay captured _the _Little!" She giggles maniacally and skips a happy circle around April.

"Yep, the original Little," April yawns and rips a hunk of gummy bear from her hair. "Feel free to kneel at anytime."

Angel bypasses her usual poking method, and takes a full swing at the back of April's legs with her bamboo scepter. It's unclear to those in attendance whether the cracking sound that echoes off the Palace's outer wall is from April's knees hitting the stone pathway or Angel's bamboo splintering to pieces. As Angel throws her broken scepter into the nearest fire barrel, Irma steps between the two matriarchs, speaking to April first, "Angel wishes to end this feud with a one-on-one battle, and since you are the first of your party to appear before her, do you agree to partake?"

April chuckles and stares into the firelight reflected off Irma's spectacles as she responds, "Sure. Sounds like a real hoot." Angel has returned to circling, but her merriment has been replaced by a menacing glare. "What are the weapons?"

"Bamboo with a beat."

April and Angel both look at Irma with confusion, asking in unison, "What?"

"Tinikling," Irma responds. "Follow me."

* * *

><p>Muffin lowers Gold's golden helmet onto his head. "It's odd to see you two in armor without Cooper by your side."<p>

"We'll be together soon enough," Head declares confidently. He tries to place his own helmet on so that Muffin can continue assisting Gold, but the plate's bulk prevents him from lifting his arms high enough. "It feels like centuries since I've worn this stuff. . ." Muffin giggles at his grumbling and places a quick kiss on his cheek before unceremoniously shoving his helmet on for him.

Gold taps his mount lightly on the head, and the polar bear rises far enough on its hind legs for him to assess his troops. _Squirrels, sugar gliders, chipmunks, polar bears, crocs, boomers. Everyone is accounted for. _"Alright, Head. Time to be on our way." He taps the bear with his heals, starting the procession towards the main gate. "We'll be sending back the injured as we come across them, Muffin. Be ready."

* * *

><p><em>Click click <em>

_Clack clack_

_Click click_

_Clack clack_

"Is that a giant clock," Zero wonders out loud.

"No. . ." Iris stops marching so she can listen closer. "I think I hear cheering, don't you?"

"There's definitely a lot more movement near whatever is burning behind the Palace," Zero says, pointing at the orange light as it dances around more wildly than before.

* * *

><p><em>Click click<em>

_Clack clack_

_Click click_

_Clack clack_

"There they are! The chained pandas!" Onyx points excitedly as they near the Palace.

"But the fight must be around the other side!" Kitty starts to pedal harder towards the flickering light.

Onyx pulls a foam arrow from over her shoulder and loads her Nerf crossbow."Just veer close enough for me to rile them up with a few shots, okay?"

"Fine!" Kitty steers them within twenty feet of the huddled pandas. "Yuck, those things smell dead!"

Onyx gets a whiff of them after she sends her first arrow into the center of their mass. "Fuck, you ain't kiddin'!" She manages to hit her targets with two more arrows before they tear their candycane stake from the ground and rip off the rope that bound them together. "Pedal, Kitty! Lead them to the light!" Onyx gets her feet back onto her own pedals to assist. _ Oh yeah, we're going to have some fun now! _

* * *

><p><em>Click click<em>

_Clack clack _

"Irma-" Angel gasps for breath, "why did you choose such a-"

_Click click _

"-goddamn stupid-" April snaps as she uses her sleeve to wipe her brow.

_Clack clack _

"-way for us to battle?" Angel finishes.

Irma gives Zoey and Kay a signal to increase the speed at which they're tapping the ten foot long bamboo poles on the ground. "Tinikling is a popular dance in the Phillipines," she responds to Angel. "Coordination and endurance are the keys to victory, not brute strength. Competitors of drastically different sizes can battle each other on equal ground." A commotion around the furthest corner of the Palace wall draws Irma's attention away. "Excuse me for a moment."

_Click click _

"Just tell me who ate my horcrux," Angel growls.

April lets out a short laugh. "So you can foster them in this loving family of yours? No way."

_Click click_

_Clack clack _

"Yellowing mother-of-pearl!" Irma is being chased back to them by a rambling mob of zombie pandas, but before she can reach the relative safety of fire barrel-ringed tinikling stage, her attention is once again redirected. Coming around the opposite corner of the Palace wall, the Lurkers appear, led by a crazed blonde whose voice rebounds off the stone wall and dissipates over the empty space of the cliff's edge. "APRIL!"

Kitty sees her opportunity for flaying April diminishing. "PRYLLA!" She yells angrily, and jumps off the bicycle to charge for the evil Little that has thrown innumerable banhammers at her, leaving Onyx to fend for herself.

_Click click_

_Clack clack _

"You're pretty popular tonight," snorts Angel as she jumps in and out of the bamboo. "Tell me who ate my horcrux already."

Lucy and Kitty collide en route to April and end up scuffling on the ground. The zombie pandas are attracted to the monotonous clicking and clacking of the poles; their speed picks up as they approach the two dancing enemies. Angel and April stop moving moments before the collision occurs.

"Hey, Angel?"

"What?"

"Your soul was delicious."

"_You?_"

April smiles. "Me."

Angel lets out a howl of frustration as the pandas topple them all over the edge of Peanut Brickle Cliff.


	6. Chapter 6

Lucy attributes the sudden lack of noise to adrenalized blood bombarding her inner ears. Through the silence, she continues to tussle with Kitty, but when the younger girl pauses mid-headlock, she realizes that the crackling flames in the barrels are still audible.

Kitty's lower lip droops in disappointment. "They're gone," she mutters.

"Who?" Lucy rolls away from Kitty's loosened embrace and staggers upright before following the murderous feline's gaze. Lilanna are quietly holding hands near the abandoned bamboo pieces from the tinikling battle. _No. _The Lurkers are crouched along the edge of the cliff, peering into the dark night. _No. _Irma cups her hands around her mouth and yells Angel's name. _No. _Now the blood really _is_ pounding in Lucy's ears, drowning out everything around her, courtesy of her heart's panicked pace. She collapses to her knees, and for one of the few times in her life, she fails to note how the impact of her bones on the cobblestone sends a sharp jolt of pain through her joints. She does not consider the hue of the bruising that will undoubtedly appear on her skin. She stares blankly at the sharp splinters of wood lying dormant in the dusty gaps of the stone walkway, patiently lying-in-wait for the tender bare foot of a child. . .

She does not hear the cacophony of growls and squeaks and snapping jaws as the Castle's army appears seconds too late.

_Alone again, naturally. _

* * *

><p>Cooper peers up and down the line of forumers. <em>Where is Lucy? <em>He expected her to be one of the first to the edge in order to take control of the situation. When the Castle army noisily makes its presence known, he turns around in time to see Gold and Head leading their mother towards her snow white boomer. He frowns. _I wish I could tell her. . ._

"Saph!" Zero yells, breaking the silence in which the group had been frozen. "Use Castor to fly down and search the Ice Cream Sea! Quick!"

There is no whinnying in response to her order. Moments later, Rowan taps Zero lightly on the shoulder, "Um. . .sorry, but I guess there was a really good Kerrang scheduled, so Becky is kind of, well. . .gone."

Zero sighs. "She's a busy girl. . .never in one place for very long, unfortunately." She reaches into her backpack and pulls out a moldy sandwich. To determine if it's still suitable for consumption, she unfolds the baggy and takes a whiff._ Oh hell no._ People think that sheep will eat anything, but that's simply not true! She pinches a corner of the baggie, lets the sandwich plunge into the vanilla-scented depths of the water, and stuffs the thin plastic into the front pocket of her jeans - she recently heard about an endangered species making its home along the shores of FanFictionNet. "I hate to bring it up, but-" Bravely reaching into her pack once more, she is rewarded with a fairly fresh-looking apple, "before any of us risk our necks in a 'Search and Rescue' mission, what would you say their odds of surviving that fall are, Iris?"

"Slim to none." Iris announces much too quickly, pleased that she has finally been presented with an opportunity to use such an old, cheesy joke. "And Slim just left town."

A brisk wind blasts the elder doppelganger from behind, accompanied by a tiny tornado of long, narrow leaves and Slim's voice, "I can assure you, I am still very much present! Shady is the one that will soon be traveling abroad!"

Slim continues to swirl around the ankles of the forumers as Iris totters on the unstable peanut brickle edge, arms pinwheeling in a comical attempt to regain her balance. A strong hand clamps on to her flailing wrist and pulls her safely from the precipice. "Whew!" Iris smiles gratefully at her savior, a short woman with bikechain grease smeared across her forehead. "Too bad you didn't arrive in time to rescue April!"

Kitty snickers at the innocent comment, knowing full well that the sole purpose of the tandem-riding odd couple's arrival was to wreak havoc. Onyx shushes her with a light swat to the head. Kitty occupies herself by licking the dried candy on Onyx's back. "Your shirt is delicious, Onny!" Onyx swats her again.

Zero rotates her apple, finding the last section still covered with green peel, and crunches into it. "Okay, we're not accomplishing anything here, folks! Toss in some ideas, please!"

"Ooh ooh!" Cooper raises his hand and bounces on the balls of his feet."We could rappel down the cliff using some more of that delicious rope licorice!"

An exasperated sigh of considerable volume greets the brave knight's suggestion."Don't make me pummel you with confetti again, Coop!" Lilanna has migrated closer to the group, and Johanna has her throwing hand poised behind her head.

Cooper cannot tell whether her fingers are indeed clutching little bits of colored paper and glitter, so he decides it would be less messy to stand down. As his attention resettles on Zero, another gust of wind rocks into the forumers and blows Johanna's confetti onto Cooper anyway - this time the disturbance is accompanied by Shady's voice, "Brooke has an idea. Someone bring a bucket!"

* * *

><p><em>Thump.<em>

_Thump._

_Thump._

Rachel retreats from her vantage point in Yew's greenery and drops gracefully into his tree fort. Though she likes to be aware of what is happening in her land, she finds it much more appealing to observe events from a safe distance - raging waters, leaping flames, and loud noises are _not_ a few of her favorite things. She alternates between pacing the width of the small fortress and peeking through the open doorway to check the progress of the solitary kangaroo's journey home.

Sensing her unease, Yew softly swishes his branches at Rachel's forlorn meowing. "There is no proof, as of yet, that mourning we must commence."

_Thump._

_Thump._

Cat and Tree watch hopefully as the roo hops through the gate and his rider dismounts, but the world is still too dark to reveal the identity of the returned warrior. "Hark, who goes there?"

"Hello, Yew."

"Ah, the most valiant of queens, Queen Lucy!" Rachel meows her own greeting before Yew continues. "Has the war been won?"

"There are no winners in war."

"But-" Yew takes a moment to rephrase his question, hoping to receive a less confusing response. "Surely we have not _lost_?"

"Both sides have suffered loss," responds the remaining Queen of the Castle. "But I think I know how to lessen ours." With renewed determination, she marches not towards the more commonly used kitchen entrance, but onto the rainbow pathway that leads to Gold's laboratory.

* * *

><p>Cooper returns with the bucket of Brooke, sets her in front of Zero and Iris, and falls to the ground, waiting for his breathing to return to normal. "Have you ever tried to run while the bucket you're carrying refuses to stop telling jokes?" He focuses on taking three even breaths in a row. "It's ridiculously tiring!"<p>

"Hey! Have you guys heard the one about-"

"Maybe later, Brooke. Right now, we really need to hear your idea!"

"Oh! Sure! Well, _I'm_ a liquid and the Ice Cream Sea is basically a liquid, so I'll just go have a look around, maybe chat up a few sea creatures, and, you know, _mingle._"

Iris looks incredulously at the talking pail of water. Zero takes her arm and turns them towards the cliff's edge to talk the proposal over. "It's the best we can do while it's still dark out."

"I know, I know." Iris looks over her shoulder at Brooke, who is sloshing over the rim in excitement. "It's still _really _weird, even for this place." She shivers. "I wish I had a cardigan."

"So. . .is that a 'yes'?"

"Unfortunately."

Zero spins around in excitement. "Guess what, Brooke? You're hired!" She picks up the pail, soaking her ninja sleeves to the elbows, and turns to Iris again. "At what mathematical trajectory should I send her off?"

Iris studies the situation for approximately half a second before reaching out and knocking the bucket from Zero's hands. They lean over the edge together, listening for the crash of metal on stone, but can hear nothing over the crash of waves. "Why'd you do that?" Zero asks.

"It was an experiment," shrugs Iris. "If it didn't work, we've got a few more buckets, and _a lot _more Brooke."

* * *

><p>Muffin sits in the front entry, engrossed in reading fanfiction on her phone. She's nibbling on a piece of bread spread thick with nutella and topped by banana slices, but the scent of roses is steadily seeping into everything within a ten foot radius, and her appetite is decreasing at a similar rate. "My my, you are fragrant little beauties!" She picks up the vase and starts to walk the arrangement into the sitting room. "You will like it much better here, I promise! The morning sun will shine on you perfectly in just a few hours!"<p>

As she enters the main hall to return to her assigned post, a flash of light from Gold's corridor catches her eye. "I have treated no injuries. . ." In her stocking feet, she creeps quietly closer, though she could be practicing clog-dancing and still not be heard over the racket taking place in the lab. "What the hell?" For better or worse, the Castle has some archaic locking systems on the doors - a keyhole large enough for an ornately carved skeleton key makes Muffin's spying an amazingly easy task. Her first two attempts to look inside are thwarted by bursts of blinding light, but the _third_. . .reveals to her what lengths a person will go to for love.

* * *

><p>"Ahoy there, matey! I hope your night is going grrrrrrrreat!"<p>

It takes Brooke's sight a moment longer to adjust, and when it finally does, she's positive that she's imagining the spectacle in front of her. "Are you. . .in a boat?"

"I am!"

"But-"

"Haven't you ever seen a whale sail?"

"I have not. No. Nope." Brooke bobs up and down with the waves, unsure of what to say to this odd creature. "Um. . .what washes up on tiny beaches?"

"A joke?!" The sailing whale blows his spout in excitement. "What?"

"Microwaves!"

As the mythical narwhale laughs, the waves reach higher into the sky and the the poor little boat sinks lower into the sea. "That was very updog!"

"What's 'updog'?"

"Nothing much, what about you, dawg?" Narwhal can barely contain himself now; he has been waiting _years_ for someone to respond correctly to that joke. "Hahahahaha!"

"Good one!" Brooke manages to refrain from groaning this time, but decides they're defintely due for a change of subject. "Have you been sailing in this area all night? Seen anything weird?"

"Like what?"

"Like, I dunno, a dozen pandas and two humans plunging to their death?"

"Hmm, no, can't say that I have, but I _was_ working on a comedic monologue in my head. . .would you like to hear it?"

"Oh, well, not really, but. . .okay!"

* * *

><p>Zoey sidles up to Zero, runs a hand over her wool coat <em>ooh, sexy! giggity giggity!<em>, and whispers, "Does the fact that we have no way to get Brooke _back up_ the cliff count as a plothole?"

Zero tries to think of a way to retrieve Brooke's intel, but can't come up with a feasible plan. "Baah. Yeah, I think you're right."

"Of course I am, my savory little lambchop. . ." Zoey licks the side of Zero's face from jawline to temple.

Iris intervenes before things can get too kinky, "Okay, that's all we can do for now! We'll have to wait for Brooke to evaporate from the sea and condensate back onto our level. Goodnight, everyone!"

* * *

><p>"Go fish."<p>

"Fuck."

As April draws a card from the center pile and frowns at it, Angel smiles delightedly. "Hey, it's not my fault this is the only game you know. Do you have any threes?" Angel giggles as April plucks a three of Hearts from her massive hand of cards and flicks it away. Enjoying having the upperhand, Angel doesn't even listen to what suit April asks for next. "Go fish."

"Fuck."

"Language!"

"Yeah, yeah. . .speaking of censorship," April scowls as she draws another useless card from the pond, "when do you think Irma will be able to reach us?"

"It wasn't a very long section of tunnel that collapsed," Angel responds, chomping into a potato chip and slurping down some orange soda. "As long as she remembered this smuggling cave, it shouldn't take the pandas more than a week to clear the rubble." _Crunch. Crunch. Slurp._"I hope."

_If enough of your pandas survived the battle,_ April muses as she thrusts her hand deep into the chip bag to re-emerge with a handful of crumbs that contain more seasoning than chip. "Why couldn't you have a secret obsession with something more substantial? Like mushroom pizza?" She tosses the crumbs into her mouth and wipes the grease onto her black ninja pants.

"Oh, I'm _so sorry _for not letting you die! _GO FISH!_"

"I would have been fine," April declares confidently as she draws another card and tries to fit it into her ever-growing collection. "Hey," she scratches her head, "I didn't even ask you what you had!"

"Sure you did. Your memory's just not as good as it used to be." Angel picks a card from the center pile and hands it to April. "Here. You forgot this." Eyeing her suspiciously, April accepts the new card. Angel nods her approval, then narrows her eyes, "What do you mean you 'would have been fine'?"

"Let's just say. . ." April lays out her first book of four diamonds, "we're more alike than I would ever care to admit outside the current situation."

"I knew you Littles couldn't all be so perfect," chortles Angel. "Do you have any fives?"

April smirks. "Go fish."

"Fuck."


	7. Chapter 7

Zero cowers in the corner of Yew as Cooper's flaming marshmallow continues to create erratic designs in the darkness. "Cooper!" Lils leaps up and removes the roasting stick from her brother's grasp. "Zero is a giant ball of fluff! She's close to spontaneous combustion on any particularly warm day!"

Rowan sandwiches the blackened marshmallow between two squares of graham cracker and hands the sticky mess to Cooper. "I agree. . .she really doesn't need the added stress of you flinging a glob of burning sugar onto her!" Zero lets out a faint bleat of appreciation.

Crumbs of tan biscuit and flakes of charred sugar fall onto Cooper's lap as he chomps into the ooey-gooey treat. His expression droops. "You forgot the chocolate. . ." Three wrapped Hershey bars hit his chest in rapid succession. "Thanks!" He unwraps the first bar and loses interest in the other components of his campfire delicacy.

"Now that Cooper's sugar low has been attended to, may we proceed with discussing the real issue?" Gold looks around the cramped space to confirm he has everyone's attention. "Years ago, dismayed by the TARDIS's inability to visit user-specified coordinates in time, I created a prototype version that would allow travel-"

"_Why _are you all gathered in _Yew_? We have a perfectly good _Castle_ in which to discuss our plans!"

Gold stands from his chair and peers out the door. "Ah, Johanna! I apologize, I must have somehow miscounted our numbers in all of the snacktime confusion." Still in a weakened state from his bout with zombie-ism, Gold calls on Lils to assist with lowering a wooden ladder for her dwark to join the emergency meeting. With Lilanna reunited, he reseats himself and clears his throat to begin again. "As I was saying. . ."

"You made a time machine that can go to any moment in time that the person wants, yada yada yada. We got it." Muffin breaks a chunk off of the second chocolate bar that Cooper opened.

Zero's eyes open wide. "That's baaaaaaad!"

Iris pats her sheepy friend's head reassuringly. "But the machine was probably dismantled when you abandoned the project, right?"

"Not entirely. . ."

"Not entirely?" Head frowns at his brother. "What does _that _mean?"

Gold begins to form a response. "Well-"

Muffin steals another chunk of Cooper's chocolate. "It means 'not at all', judging by what I could see through the keyhole."

All eyes turn to Gold. He shrinks into his chair, sickened by the worry and anger radiating towards him. Rowan finally says what everyone else is afraid to speak out loud. "We might never see each other again!"

Iris amends Rowan's thought. "We may never meet in the first place."

* * *

><p>"-and <em>that<em>, my friend, is why the rhinoceros tells the dirtiest jokes!"

Brooke stares at Narwhal.

Narwhal waits for Brooke to gurgle with laughter.

Brooke continues staring, then begins hesitantly, ". . .because he's horny?"

"Yes!" Narwhal nods enthusiastically, still waiting for a giggle.

Brooke bobs silently with the waves. "I don't mean to be rude, but that was-"

"Hilarious!"

Brooke and Narwhal scan the water for the source of the voice, but no other creatures appear to be present. A bubble rises from the crest of a wave and pops near Narwhal's tail with an audible _hello!_

Brooke chastises her pointy-headed acquaintance, "Did you just fart?"

"How magical do you think I am?" Narwhal raises his eyebrows. "I mean, yeah, I've dreamt of being able to talk out of my ass, but I've never actually figured out how to transfer my voice into a fart bubble-"

"I'm not a whale fart!"

"See!" Narwhal smiles triumphantly. He looks down at the water and asks, "What kind of fart are you then?"

A lengthy pause precedes the emergence of a dozen more bubbles. They hover above the surface, then explode with a snippet of song:

_Until I find a way,_

_I will say the only words I know that y__ou'll understand._

_Michelle, ma belle. . ._

The impromptu choral performance ends and a young woman appears where the bubbles had been moments ago. She waves.

"Are you a _mermaid_?" asks Brooke. "Because that is so much cooler than a comedic whale!"

"Hey now! Comedic whale right next to you!" Narwhal frowns at Brooke's interest in the dark-haired sea beauty. "We're probably talking to a dugong that doesn't understand anything we're saying. . ." He splashes a bit of water at Chelle with his tail. She crosses her arms and scowls at him.

Brooke also scowls at Narwhal. "Why don't you go work on some funnier jokes, okay?" She turns to Chelle and asks, "_Do _you understand us?"

Chelle nods.

"Did you see anyone fall off the cliff earlier?"

Chelle nods again.

* * *

><p><em>Wuh-PSSSH!<em>

Irma cracks her whip in the air, urging the pandas to swing their pickaxes faster.

_Wuh-PSSH!_

_Kuh-PSSSH!_

"You're getting a little too frisky with that thing, Irma Grey!" says Zoey with a wink. She drops the heavy wheelbarrow she's been hauling back and forth all morning and stretches her back. "Seriously, we've made good progress, wouldn't you say? Give 'em two seconds to breathe!"

"They can breathe when we've broken through to the other side."

Kay appears around a curve in the tunnel, lugging a cooler of water and a bundle of fresh bamboo. "UNION BREAK!" The pandas simultaneously drop their tools and lumber towards her.

Irma sighs and checks her wristwatch. _This is slow work. It's going to take at least a few more days. _She chugs down some water, then wanders over to the blueprints tacked to the wall. "We'll set up shifts in order to complete the excavation quicker."

"We don't even know if Angel was able to make it to the cave. . ."

"The Littles are using their resources to search the sea, so for now, we're going to cooperate with them and do our part in finding Anniekins and April."

"We'd be better off naming a new leader and-"

"No." Irma locks eyes with Zoey. "Dead or alive, we're going to find them before we do anything else." She retrieves her whip from the ground. "End of conversation."

_Wuh-PSSSH!_

* * *

><p>Flipping up the visor on her welding helmet, Lucy takes a step back to study the new safety cage and heat shielding around the drab metal box. The exterior aesthetics and interior spaciousness of her TARDIS will be sorely missed, but she'll be able to accomplish her task more efficiently by utilizing Gold's ugly time machine.<p>

_BANG BANG BANG!_

_"Lucy? Mum? Open the door!"_

Checking the current time via her phone's lock screen (because who the hell uses watches anymore?), she realizes that she's been working in the laboratory for nearly twelve hours straight.

_"We have a couple of teams trying to locate April and Angel, but we'd really like your thoughts on how else to proceed. . ."_

_BANG BANG BANG!_

_"Are you still in there?"_

_BANG BANG BANG!_

A sudden desperate need for caffeine comes over her. She throws a couple of dirty sheets from the zombie panda experiment over the time machine, then sneaks out the lab's exterior exit. She can't bear to see Cooper, Gold, and Head together as the Little triplets; they won't have that title for much longer if all goes as planned. She duckwalks behind a row of hedges to avoid being spotted by anyone; her black ninja suit has lost all of its inconspicuousness in the daylight.

Rounding the corner below the Castle's highest tower, she is hit by the smell of freshly baked muffins. Wafting down from an unshuttered window, the mingling of scents makes it difficult to be sure, but warm chocolate chip and strawberry rhubarb seem to be the two main flavors. _Those are April's favorites. _Her throat constricts in an all-too-familiar way. If she stays near this delicious (but presently unwelcome) olfactory invasion for much longer, tissues will certainly be a necessity.

"BaAaaa!"

Her mind is so preoccupied with calm, focused breathing, Lucy does not hear when Zero calls out to her. Even when she _does _hear Zero, she can't _see _Zero. "Where are you?"

An extra-bushy shrub uproots itself from near the stables and frolicks straight towards her. "Right here!"

"Oh my!" Lucy gasps as she takes in Zero's fifty shades of green. "Are you having some identity issues today?"

"I'm helping to paint the mural!"

"Mural? Where do we have a-" As Zero zigzags back to the stable, Lucy realizes there is indeed much more greenery present along the side. She continues to stand a safe distance back, observing the artistic process of the sandy-haired woman who has already turned half the wall into a lush forest scene. _April has been meaning to paint something on the stables since we moved in. _Her vision begins to blur as the barely restrained tears from minutes ago attempt to reemerge. _April would not approve of this. _Unsure about how _she_ feels to have someone else take over the job, she rushes away while Zero is busy adding texture to the undergrowth by dipping in some paint and repeatedly throwing herself against the wall.

_What is going on around here? _

* * *

><p>"I'm awfully tempted to throw you out of this cave right now," April growls through clenched teeth.<p>

"Do it." Angel stands defiantly in the cave's opening. "Besides having two dozen horcruxes hidden around FFn, I'm also a freakin' _Mary Sue_!"

"You've got the 'freak' part right," April mutters under her breath. She pushes a clump of soda-logged hair off her forehead. "_Why _did you attack me with a shaken can of soda?"

"I was bored."

"Aha." April nods as if that is the most sensible answer in the world. Still nodding, she hooks her thumbs in her front pants pockets and saunters over to the stockpile of junk food. She grabs a generic cola, turns back to Angel, and begins to shake the can. "I'm awfully bored, too." She takes another step forward. "And sticky." Another step. "And pissed off."

Being backlit by the gorgeous day outside, it's impossible to get a read on Angel's face, but the heel of her left shoe begins to bounce nervously against the stone floor. "Don't come any closer or I'll jump."

April shrugs. "You were just bragging about your near-immortality." She slips the ever-present ink pen from her shirt collar. "Besides. . ." _CLICK _"By doing this the _correct_ way, I don't _need_ to come any closer!" She grins and dislodges the rivet holding the tab in place. A powerful spray of soda explodes from the tiny opening, driving Angel closer to the edge.

"My glasses! Stop, you stupid little Little!"

"Ha_HA_! There's no Irma here to save you _this_ time!"

"And there's no Estoma to save _YOU_!" Angel tucks her chin and sprints through the onslaught of soda to tackle April.

"GAH!"

"Argh!"

* * *

><p>Narwhal winces. "Hey! Stop throwing things!"<p>

Brooke looks at him curiously. "What are you talking about?" She glances at Chelle, but the mermaid just shrugs her shoulders.

"Sooooomethiiiiiing hiiiiit meeeeee in the heeeeeaaad," he complains again.

Brooke sighs with the breeze. "Your whale accent gets thicker when you're being emotional." She splashes around his tiny boat, searching for any sort of attacker. No one is in the water with them. "I honestly don't know what could be hitting you, Narwhal. . ."

_Ping! Pingping!_

"Ouchie!"

Brooke and Chelle watch the small stones bounce off of Narwhal's head and back; they seem to be coming from the cliff. Scanning the peanut brickled surface, no disturbances are visible at first, but as they continue to watch, a body appears out of nowhere! It clings to the vertical surface for ten long seconds before a second person leans over the edge and hauls the first to safety.

"I need to find a way to the top of the cliff!" Brooke starts splashing around wildly. "We know exactly where they are now!"

* * *

><p>Focused too intently on fleeing yet another reminder of April, Lucy is again blindsided by one of the Castle's permanent guests.<p>

"DUCK!"

Field hockey instincts kicking in, she manages to maneuver away from the tall young woman trying to fullbody tackle her. She's halfway through asking 'what the fuck' when something wet splatters across her back. Turning around slowly, she comes face to face with Johanna holding a machete.

"Ack! That's the first piece of fruit I've managed to hit, I swear!" Johanna slowly sets the weapon on the ground beside her and backs away a couple of steps.

From behind the cannon, Lils cringes as a pulverized chunk of watermelon slides out of Lucy's hair and hits the ground. "We were trying to pass the time by playing-"

"Fruit Ninja." Lucy nods and brushes a piece of green rind from her shoulder. "April promised to show you how to play, I know." She shakes her head. "Though I doubt the cannon is a required piece of equipment. . ."

Iris soaks a rag in the nearby silent brook and tries to dab away some of the mess on Lucy's outfit. "Ack! I'm so sorry! You seemed to be walking in a daydream and I didn't know how else to get your attention and Lils had already loaded the cannon and lit the fuse and like Jo said, she really doesn't have the greatest hand-eye coordination and. . ."

"It's fine." Lucy gives a small, unconvincing smile to Jo's flustered doppelganger.

Iris reaches to straighten the bow in Lucy's hair, but Lucy pulls it off her head instead. Iris' brow knits together in worry. "How are you?"

"I've been better." Johanna and Lils cautiously creep into the conversation zone. Lucy bites her lip and looks around the grounds. "Why all the April-centric eccentricities today?"

"Thetripletsbelieveyou'regoingtogobackintimeandgetridofCaesar'sPalacebeforeiteverexists!"

Lils looks fearfully at Lucy and kicks Johanna in the shin. "Well, yeah. . .that's basically it."

Lucy stares at them each in turn before speaking. "Well there you go." She wraps her bow - which April enjoyed poking fun at - around her wrist and turns toward the Castle again, determined more than ever to obtain that damn mug of coffee.

* * *

><p>"I spy with my little eye. . .something blue."<p>

"The sky," April guesses with a sigh.

"Cheater!"

"How the hell could I be cheating? There is _nothing _blue around us except for the sky! What else could you possibly spy that is blue? Huh?"

"A boat."

"You see a blue boat somewhere?" April looks down at the choppy waters, but without her glasses, she can't spy a damn thing.

"No."

Silence.

Angel flinches as April cracks open a can of knock-off grape soda. In between swigs, April asks, "If this is a smuggler's cave, why is it so high on the cliff? Shouldn't it be more accessible to the smugglers?"

"The original mods of the Palace were a little paranoid," Angel shrugs, still keeping a wary eye on the beverage in April's hands. "When a shipment of salty snacks was due, they'd take turns keeping a lookout from this cave. String licorice was used to haul the contraband up, dirty drabbles were sent back down to the smugglers as payment and. . .ta-DA! The cave remained a closely guarded secret!"

"The Originals were a little odd, eh?"

"No more odd than you or me."

April snorts with laughter. "Dude, we're _really _odd!"

Angel joins in with April's laughter. The odd couple sits at the edge of their stoney prison, feet dangling in the vanilla-scented air. The laughter eventually tapers off and is replaced by a silence that neither enemy is completely comfortable in. Angel breaks through it first. "Want to play again?"

"Sure, why not." April leans back on her elbows and stares at the cave's ceiling while Angel picks out a new object.

"I spy with my little eye. . .a boat."

April snorts. "Five minutes ago, you said you _didn't _spy a boat."

"No," Angel corrects her elder nemesis, "Five minutes ago, I said I didn't spy a _blue_ boat. The one that's been bobbing below us all morning is _green_."

"All morning?!" April leans forward, squinting at the water. "I'm going to throw you out of this fucking cave again!"

* * *

><p>Remnants of the Castle's lunch litter every surface of the kitchen when Lucy steps through the back door. She rinses the environmentally inconsiderate styrofoam trays that the pandameat burgers were piled on and places them in the bin. She locates a filter for the coffeemaker, adds fresh grounds and water, then collapses onto a nearby stool to wait out the brewing process. A mountain of cold chips makes her stomach grumble, but when she reaches to sneak one from the top of the pile, a choked sob causes it to fall to the floor. <em>Soggy. Limp. April would love them. <em>Dillon delicately retrieves the fallen chip and takes it back to his corner.

Down the corridor, a heavy door closes with a thud. Too tired to try hiding, Lucy simply waits for whoever it is to inevitably wander into the room; at the Rainbow Castle, all roads seem to lead to the kitchen. Moments later, Cooper enters the room with a vase of pink roses in each hand. The flowers frame his happy grin as he greets her. "Lucy! Look, I freshened up April's flowers!" A fragment of conversation from less than twenty-four hours ago comes back to her at that moment. _"April doesn't even _like _roses." _The coffeemaker beeps to signal that it's done brewing. _"But _Lucy _likes roses-" _Cooper sets the bouquets on the counter near her and retrieves two mugs from the cupboard. _"-and April likes Lucy."_

She watches in a daze as Cooper plops nine cubes of sugar into his half-filled mug.

_I can't breathe._

"Lucy?" Cooper asks.

_I need to get out of here._

"Sorry?"

"I was asking how many cubes you like?"

_Run._

"Two, thanks."

_Run._

"Coming right up! I'm so glad you stopped by, because I have something important to tell you about April and-"

_Run._

"You know what, on second thought, I probably shouldn't have any coffee. I need some sleep."

"Oh. Okay. Do you want me to wake you for supper?"

"No."

Less than a minute after Lucy makes her escape, Gold, Head, and Muffin appear in the room. Breathing heavy from their hurried search of the Castle's interior, it's a moment before any of them are able to speak. While Cooper pours three tall glasses of Kool-Aid and drops a bonus sugar cube into each, Lilanna, Iris, and Zero battle to pass through the other doorway all at once. Laughing at the spectacle, Cooper returns to the cupboard for four more glasses.

"Did you catch her?" Zero asks frantically.

"No. We haven't seen her at all," answers Head.

Wringing her hands, Iris says, "We talked to her for a very short time. . ."

Gold's head snaps up. "Why didn't you detain her?!"

Lils gives a side-eye glance to the two mugs next to the coffeemaker. "We thought maybe Cooper would have better luck. . ."

Perking up when he hears his name, Cooper asks, "Who are we looking for?"

Muffin smacks her palm into her forehead. "LUCY!"

"Oh! Oh sure, she was here just a moment ago, but then she said she was tired and asked not to be disturbed."

"_COOPER!_" A collective groan fills the room.


End file.
